Partnership and betrayal
I helped and they left me hanging: how to deal with it?
Acknowledge the hurt, don't turn help into debt, adjust your limits and keep being who you are. Your decisions can't depend on anyone's gratitude.
bairogonzalez.com team, drawing on Bairo's story · Published
Few pains compare to being abandoned by the very people you helped. You opened the door, lent, recommended, supported, and when you needed it, no one showed up. The hurt is legitimate. The question is what to do with it so that it doesn't harden you.
What to do now
- Acknowledge the hurt. Pretending it didn't hurt only postpones the pain. Say to yourself, or to someone you trust: "that hurt me."
- Separate help from contracts. If money was lent, or there was a partnership or agreement, handle that formally and, if needed, with a lawyer. But help given from the heart creates no debt of gratitude. Expecting a return on it usually breeds bitterness.
- Adjust your limits, not your character. Staying generous doesn't mean being naive. From now on, put agreements in writing, lend what you can afford to lose and watch how people treat others before you trust them.
- Don't let a few define everyone. Some people failed you; others were probably by your side. Look at them too.
- Avoid revenge and public exposure. Public messages and accusations tend to backfire on whoever makes them. Move on with your story, not with theirs.
- Use the pain as a criterion. Choose better whom to build with, whom to trust with decisions and whom to bet on.
- Take care of yourself. If the hurt turns into resentment that eats up your days, or into deep sadness, seek support: a psychologist, a primary health unit (UBS), a psychosocial care center (CAPS), or CVV at 188.
When it happened to Bairo
Bairo Leandro Gonzalez Martinez tells this episode as the shortest and hardest sentence of his own story. After going broke, with many people depending on him, he decided to build a currency, a bank and a network. It went wrong. And it didn't go wrong for lack of ideas. It went wrong because of people: the very ones he had helped left him hanging.
He drew from it a lesson he still repeats: being abandoned by strangers teaches caution; being abandoned by people you helped teaches that your decision can't depend on anyone's gratitude.
It didn't make him give up. He kept going. And he didn't stop helping: he says the habit he cultivates most is looking for the best version of each person.
The path
Other people's ingratitude doesn't change who you are, unless you let it. Bairo could have shut his doors forever. He chose something else: to decide for himself, without waiting for recognition, and to keep seeing people before titles and bank balances. Help because that's who you are. And decide because it's your path, not because someone will thank you.
If the person who left you hanging comes back one day asking for help, you're not obliged to help, nor forbidden from helping. Decide calmly, from who you are today, with the limits you've learned. Helping again can be an act of greatness; refusing can be an act of self-care. Both answers are legitimate when they come from peace, not from hurt.